I’ve asked Stephen Dix, our resident copywriter and eccentric extraordinaire, to supply his thoughts for this week’s digital digest.I guess I asked for this…
First up is a lesson we’d all do well to learn – that is, don’t use a word if you don’t know what it means. Now, not so much of a problem when you’re playing Scrabble (although I did have a bit of a falling out with a friend earlier in the week when they put down “GRIFF” for 24 points and couldn’t say whether it was a real word or not and I let them have it and they went on to win and I hate losing so I flipped the board over and smashed up their kitchen with a ball peen hammer) but when you’ve got a big fat prestigious brand to pamper and protect – well then, it’s a different matter altogether. Take Pontins for example. Long famed for their cheap holidays in the British Isles, they’re particularly in vogue at the moment thanks to the crunchy credit crisis and the fact that no one can afford their usual fancy overseas holiday in Magaluf. So you’d think protecting their brand would be pretty high up on their agenda, alongside making sure the swimming pools are wee-free and the kitchens have a big enough stockpile of gristle burgers to last the summer long. You’d think so, but no. They’ve plastered the word “PONTASTIC” all over their marketing materials. Try googling it, and see what the first entry above the official Pontins site is. Go on, I dare you.
Earlier, on my way to work, I saw a man wearing a surgical mask on the tube. I don’t think he was doing it for fun, either. I think he was scared of catching swine flu. Now, I’m not bothered about swine flu – but then that’s because I have a strong belief in reincarnation and am hoping to come back as a oinking cartoon pig. But for those of you who are unsure of what will happen to you in the next life, well. I can kind of understand why you’re worried. Take my mother for example. She’s terrified. Calls me at all hours of the night, asking me if the Tamiflu she paid £180 for during the height of the bird flu scare will still be effective. Now, I’m no expert, but if it’s three years out of date, the active ingredients aren’t going to work properly. Even if you have kept it in the salad bit of your fridge for the duration. As my mother says though – out of date Tamiflu is better than no Tamiflu. And it is with that in mind that I present to you THE TOP TEN SWINE FLU CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
Finally, a bit of fun for those of you in need of light relief after all the doom and gloom of recent times. It’s a game Jim, but not as we know it. Basically, it works like this: you go to the supermarket to do your weekly food shop (soup, crisps, savoury rice, ham, some lumps of value chicken, Reggae Reggae sauce, hand cream, tissues, pine nuts, Listerine). While in the crisps aisle, you spot a mysterious-looking black packet of Doritos without a flavour. You think “oooh, I bet I could identify that mystery flavour. I know loads about crisps I do. I even remember proper big Monster Munch the first time round and everything”. So you place them in your basket, and buy them. Later, you’re watching A Touch of Frost and feeling a bit peckish. So you get the Mystery Flavour Doritos out and start crunching down on them. As you’re marvelling at the spicy taste and racking your brains as to what it could be, yours eyes wander to the back of the packet, slowly widening as read that the person who guesses correctly is set to net a cool £20,000. Come Monday, you’re on http://id3.doritos.co.uk/ entering your unique packet code in order to take your guess at the flavour. But, as you’ll discover when you have a go, that’s just the start of a massive interactive adventure – the kind of thing that makes Anthony and Mister Stu (the two guys in spectacles in IT or Digital or whatever it’s called this week) foam at their joysticks.